Windmill Musings

I started to get emotional today, just a bit but I definitely felt a clear wave of emotion.  At dinner, I almost cried. I just wanted to have one of my freezer meals, and I wanted to do it myself. As I made my way to the garage door on my scooter, I realized I couldn't get down there, not safely. There was not only not enough room to get to the garage door from the foyer with the scooter or crutches but the step is big and complicated. I literally just froze. Of course, immediately both Diane and my mom came in and basically did it for me, almost scolding me for not asking for help. But in that moment and a few afterwards I felt helpless, absolutely helpless.  And a bit hopeless. Whats going to happen when no one is around a few days? But then a different thought occured...I thought of others way less "blessed" than me, who deal with worse everyday. It's humbling- and eye-opening. I learned even more about myself. I hate not being able to help myself. I really don'

I've waited awhile to do a blog about this. I wanted to give it at least a full day. Let me tell you that day has felt more like four days! It's not necessarily in a bad way but it's just felt really long. BTW, there will be some TMI in this post so beware if you continue reading. TMI: I think because I've had to use the restroom a lot, and I've been on pain meds, that my sleep pattern is spread throughout the day so ever since Wednesday my days have blended. TMI: Of course that's another issue: I'm not going to the bathroom in the right way yet so hopefully that changes, too, soon. Ok, I think the TMI is over now. Yesterday, I found out the knee scooter I may be able to borrow is lost, so I ordered a new one. It's not an expense I planned but I've been talking to my mom and I'll need to get the other foot done sooner than later so it'll be good to have. I just need to make sure to adjust my budget. And a family member wants to help out so th

I've reflected today about some current life situations...from a family member in the hospital, and family friends hospitalized, too, to my upcoming surgery. What it all themed out to be is what you feel/think/know about something and when you don't.  Example: I know my feet and my ankles are bad; I know my bunions have been getting worse and causing damage;  I know that teaching full-time again aggravated them. I also know that your mindset is important, and this was something that you can live with for awhile.  Until it got too bad and I decided to have x-rays again. But I didn't expect to see what I did. I'm not sure why I don't feel even worse, why my foot doesn't collapse on me. My big toe joints aren't attached! Ah, there it is. The change of mindset after a visual representation of something bad. I'm in it. But I'm in luck. I have a day that makes me see and be positive. I have about 150 heats to dance tomorrow. I have a built-in mindset chang

I've got a week coming up. Lots of uncertainties I can't control. Daily I give them up to God because otherwise I'd make myself crazy. I blog, too, to get out of my head, release then I post the link on Facebook. Sometimes two people view it, sometimes 20 do. Doesn't matter.  But what does matter is that every time I go to Facebook or even Instagram now, it's all about people being mean to each other. People I know, or at least know enough to be friends on Facebook, etc., being mean to each other. It's all about being hateful if someone doesn't have the same political views, vaccine views, etc, and I've had enough! I've snoozed so many "friends" because they're using Facebook to force their political views or vax/anti-vax views, or having disagreements on facebook that should be private.  And yet I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I should just quit all the apps. I don't because I like seeing the good things in people's lives.

I know I should not have done more than half of what I did this weekend. Its a rare time where I feel completely isolated, but I did everyday this weekend. I felt claustrophobic at home. It was the fault of no one I live with. I just didn't want to be home. It both cost me, and defined me. Two opposite things that I needed. Two lessons learned.  Though I didn't go crazy, the $200 dollars outside my budget, though seemingly small, right now could potentially be big. It doesn't make me broke, but it does make me tighten my belt the next 10 days, and it shifts my Dr's appt copay to come from a different account. Normally, that $200 dollars would be part of my monthly fun budget. Yes, I budget in my fun - which usually gets spent on wine I don't have room for. So normally that would be ok. This month however, I've got a blood test and a pre-op Dr visit co pay that will total close to $200. I re-budgeted for it but then didn't stick to it. Again, I'm ok but i

Yesterday, again, I just couldn't stay home. I really should've just for financial reasons and actual work reasons - but I knew I would be unhappy staying home. There were 2 places I was considering even as I walked to my car: a drive up the coast toward SF, or a drive to Napa. With the traffic my GPS was showing me to and in SF, I went with Napa knowing that I probably would not get a tasting due to it being a weekend, almost all require reservations now, and of course, I remembered halfway there it was Bottle Rock. Oops!  That's ok, I told myself, I could sit in one of the many beautiful Winery parking lots and have a picnic, or even walk the grounds like my friend does (I could see a lot of wineries that way). Though I had done some inquiries before I left to no avail, I whimsically called a winery I wanted to revisit (ahh, technology of cars nowadays, have I said I love my car?). They had an opening 15 min after my GPS said I'd arrive in Napa! Perfect! I changed it

 You know those days you have that you're not sure of anything in your life? Whether you've had them or not, I had one today. I usually always have some sort of plan or motivation for my weekend days. It may be the same thing - laundry, clean bathroom, clean fridge of what I didn't eat over the week, take out my garbage, run any errands, then have fun. Today, I did get my laundry, bathroom cleaned, and the fridge but I felt so unfulfilled. Usually, I feel accomplished.  It took a few hours of just laying on my bed and then I did what I always do lately: found a winery to go to. Ha! This time though, it was just around the corner. It takes 20 minutes to get there but it's just down Alameda expressway disappearing into the mountains and Almaden lake. It's there that I truly unplugged. Yes, unplugged, as in no cell service. But, there actually was. I didn't see the wifi sign until halfway through my flight. Because I hadn't seen it till then, I had decided to u

It's a better day today. When you lose a loved one, and almost a year to the day that his brother/your other Uncle passed, grief can sneak up on you. Four years before, my 19 year old cousin died from a car accident. This side of my family has experienced a lot of grief in a short period of time. Though I don't see them often, my heart goes out to them and what the next few months and few years will be like. My prayers are focused on them, and that they will seek Him for comfort instead of the vices of this world. Regardless, its going to take time, and lots of it, to heal. We all heal in different ways. Yesterday was very hard for me personally. I can't put myself ever in the position that my cousins or my grandmother or myother and her sisters are in - but I just didn't want to go to work. I was very down with not just my family's situation but with all the devastation from Hurricane Ida, the CA fires, and the massive craziness happening in Afghanistan. I'm sa