Feeling not sure of anything, and unplugging for an hour and 30 minutes

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 You know those days you have that you're not sure of anything in your life? Whether you've had them or not, I had one today. I usually always have some sort of plan or motivation for my weekend days. It may be the same thing - laundry, clean bathroom, clean fridge of what I didn't eat over the week, take out my garbage, run any errands, then have fun. Today, I did get my laundry, bathroom cleaned, and the fridge but I felt so unfulfilled. Usually, I feel accomplished. 

It took a few hours of just laying on my bed and then I did what I always do lately: found a winery to go to. Ha!

This time though, it was just around the corner. It takes 20 minutes to get there but it's just down Alameda expressway disappearing into the mountains and Almaden lake. It's there that I truly unplugged.

Yes, unplugged, as in no cell service. But, there actually was. I didn't see the wifi sign until halfway through my flight. Because I hadn't seen it till then, I had decided to unplug and put down my phone, so I kept doing that. I found that truly I hadn't unplugged in awhile. My mind cleared for a whole hour and 30 minutes. I might have had a few times during my vacation but I don't think my mind has been quiet since then. There's always something there biting at me: surgery, how I'll heal/if I'll heal,  family death, family troubles, friends baby being born, students and making sure they are being serviced, helping my franchisees as much as I can but not sure it's enough, uncertainty of everything's timing, my dad falling and hurting himself, my mom's Neverending being a nurse for everyone, feeling guilty for putting my health first, for not being married and having kids, for being single so I don't have the pressures of a marriage or kids, guilt for feeling I'm missing out on that and that I do want that, for not having a place of my own/the money I should have in my bank account/savings/retirement, for not volunteering more or at all really, or for not being able to help people in the fires, the hurricanes, Afghanistan, earthquake and flooding devastation, you know, being able to help all the world's problems, etc, etc, etc. I think about all these things all the time. But I found 90 minutes that I actually unplugged around the corner from my house. 

It was so good. I thought of nothing. Breathing exercises, sitting in the backyard drinking coffee/breakfast, stretching exercises, praying more they've all helped a lot in the last 11 months. But I always had my phone nearby or working. This time, I didn't. It was glorious to feel my mind actually clear. I knew no one and was away from moved ones, but I felt safe and real and ok to just BE. My insecurities are still there but for those minutes, I was clear enough to restart my life feeling less burdened. I need so much more of that. And it only took 90 minutes.

I hope you have some peace and can unplug even in your crazy busy, insecurity-filled, stress-based life. 

Lots of love, 

Tiffany 💋 

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