What's up with me??? and planning for the future

"Hi, My name is Tiffany Ellen Pereira and I am mistake-prone. My last mistake was this morning." I feel like I should be in mistake AA! Silly, ridiculous mistakes. Not that I haven't made them before but right now they seem to be rampant. I'm working through them every day but I'm tired of making mistakes - and I can't seem to stop them. I think I had a good day then - womp, womp - I wake up to a mistake. My process: What?! How did that happen? I know better; why did I miss that? then I think about how I can change it, if I can change it then should I do it now or is another time better, then I proceed.

Though I don't beat myself up anymore - too badly - I still am writing this article about it. I hate it. I've employed so many things to get better but recently I'm just going backwards - at least in my book. I can be happy and excited at work now - that's a plus. But I still am doing silly things - not just at work - but in life. For example: if I use something in the house I live or somewhere else that I don't always need to use, I always let those who need to know or replace it, etc. It's always no problem - but I forgot to this time, twice - in two different places. It's not like me - it seems dishonest, and I have a pet peeve for dishonesty. Even in the littlest "its ok" forms. I really hate it. So, when people say, and I've started to say, "I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you something you didn't need to know," etc., etc., I go home and feel badly about it. Yes, you should be honest and not "leave out" things that you know are going to affect someone. Yes, you might be saving their feelings, but at the end of the day, if they ask or they should know, then the truth is you are not being truth-full and that means you're lying. We do things like this every day. Simple little things, but too many of those little things can become a big thing that changes somebody's course or life in not a good way. Tell the truth, even if it hurts.

I know I have what some would call an unhealthy desire to share too much about myself. I get that; and I try to curb the TMI things. However, I learned growing up what lying, being so closed as a person does to people, or how it affects those around you. But I have learned that I haven't liked being lied to, I haven't liked being "protected" from bad things or being purposely not told the whole story, so I take sides. No, those things aren't great and so I've become almost too open of a person. I share sometimes too much - much to a few close-to-me's chagrin - I know. I apologize for it when I need to; and I don't if I feel like I don't have to. I take full responsibility for everything I write, or I say - it's not fun, and it may take a little time if it's not clear at the moment for me to say sorry, but I do eventually. 

And I expect the same from others. If someone tells me that they are going to do or say something, then I expect them to - but if they don't, and I'm then blamed for it - well, it's not a high mark in my book. There are times that I know I have to be responsible for that because if I'm not it looks like I'm throwing that person "under the bus." So, I take responsibility and put it on myself. There is something to be said for learning who someone is and knowing that you can't depend on them for that. We learn about each other every day; yes, we can grow and change but God made us differently for a reason. It's why anyone can be a dance instructor, but not everyone should be a dance instructor. Anyone can be a machinist, but not everyone should be a machinist. Anyone can be an athlete, but not everyone should be an athlete. Anyone can be a doctor, but not everyone should be a doctor. You get the drift. So, I need to learn to, yes, you might've guessed it, "pick my battles" or "I should know better." It applies to this, too. At the conclusion of it all, we have to forgive each other for not being perfect. The most perfect person in your life isn't perfect; there's something they are lacking that you have in spades, and vice versa. We also have to learn and grow, let go of the bad things, and not use any of it as an excuse to not take responsibility. 

Someone apologized to me the other day. I didn't think they needed to: because I had learned the lesson already and I should've known better. They apologized anyway. Later on, I was so much more impressed, honored, humbled by it - and I hold them in an even better light than I did. They didn't have to apologize, but they did anyway. I wish they didn't have to; I wish I didn't make a mistake, etc. But it happens, and it's how we respond that shows our growth and maturity.

In planning the future, my future, I'm pulling out all the stops. I thought about doing this about twelve years ago. I didn't follow through. I've had so many ups and downs; successes, then huge failures since. My mind is spinning. I've even lost five family members, a super close friend, and as with most, my families have had issues. I finally was financially in a good place then the pandemic happened. Then I let my feet get so bad I had to have surgery. Then unthinkable things happened; I even had to fight the stupid EDD that I am who I am so I could receive disability I've paid into for years for my non-working foot! Anyway, there are other things that happened that are truly private - but none of it has put me in a straight-jacket, and that's all because God has given me amazing people around me to make sure I don't completely lose it and He reminds me every day that He is in control, even when I try to take control of things I shouldn't. My salvation saves me daily. This isn't about witnessing to you, though - but if you have questions, I'm open to answer them anytime.

No this is about having multiple baskets with multiple eggs. This is about pursuing all my gifts and talents and desires and letting God direct them and me to where I need to go. It's not about focusing on one thing at a time; it's about focusing on one thing at a time. Meaning? If I'm at work, I'm at work. If I'm at home, I do the next thing that I need to do or work on: mental health, physical health, writing, volunteering, caring, giving, etc. Yes, if there is an inquiry or the like that I can or need to take care of, with permission, for work, I'll do it now and not let it wait until work hours. If I feel it can wait, it waits. 

A little insight for now on this: for my mental and emotional health, my Thursdays until the first Thursday of April, thankfully, are for my grief group. I was graciously given the full day off to deal and learn how to manage my grief. I think I've found a personal therapist to help going forward, but the group I've found, though not at the optimum time is perfect to help me through the process of trying to manage knowing I will never see my brother again in this lifetime. Whew. I'm honestly crying right now. It's going to be a bit to finish this but in reality, this is me right now. I cry so easily when I think of him. I've learned ways to avoid it so I can go to work. But Thursdays, Thursdays make it okay to break down. It's the day I have to break down - but I know it is only available for a few more weeks - so I'm seeking out healthier ways to deal. But for now, Thursdays - today - is helping me cope with everyday life.

In that vein, I've come up with an idea that explores my every love: dancing, wine, writing, research, and helping others. It's just going to be something that I share right now with family and close friends. In fact, I sent an email yesterday to some friends and family to get their input on a few ideas in question so I can streamline my idea into something with more backbone. It'll take me awhile to plane the frame of it, and the timeline of subjects, but it's something that has excited me. I haven't been excited for a while.

I mean, I am more excited at work - and can be positive and upbeat and be retrained in things now - but sometimes you need something outside of your original focus to help you move forward. My bosses and a few others in my life did that through the pandemic. They kept two studios afloat AND explored some things personally. Now they are even more rounded as people, business owners, and why can't I do the same? So, I am - and I think I found a way to make all of those seemingly non-related things work together at least for a little while.

Now though, I've settled again - no crying - and need to do a little physical work before fixing lunch. I'm not sure if I'll just keep to my foot/leg exercises and yoga-light exercises, or if I'll also take a walk outside. Today I have to go with what I'm feeling. Feelings shouldn't always guide your life - sometimes your mind needs to guide you. Today though - my grief day - I need to do what "feels" right.

I hope that something in this blog helped you personally - or if you needed insight on me, gave you a little insight on me whether good or bad. I also truly hope you have, or if you're reading this late tonight, had a good day.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋