Windmill Musings

Honestly, I've stayed off Facebook mostly. As a family, we are hurting. He is with us, fighting, being prayed over, but the static updates just ask for more patience than we have. Essentially, life has stopped for us. Nothing else is important. Though we are trying to focus on positives, focus on faith, praying, and all the good stories of healing, in the midst of it is just pain. Pain because one of your flesh and blood is not mobile, not awake, but fighting this horrible virus that does not discriminate.  Sorry, but this feels like literal hell. I know my sister-in-law, mom, dad, niece, nephews, step-dad, and everyone else related or who know and love him feel the same as me.  But we try to think of when he comes home, when we will celebrate the next holiday even more greatful than the one before, when we joke with him how he's not to scare us like that again. I cling to that; I'm trying so hard to understand why my little brother. He's strong; he can beat this - but ...

Three months ago, I couldn't tell you anything that has happened near me. My Uncle passed suddenly, though he had been ill for years. It started, however, a series of events that have tested me. My first surgery, and the unexpected emotions that came with it. My dad was in the hospital with Covid, and thankfully recovered. A friend beloved by thousands passed die to Covid. I found out my foot wasn't healing and needed a second surgery. My brother is now in the hospital with Covid, and his family are all fighting it. These are the big things; there have been other, smaller unfortunate things. Through it, I'm realizing something that maybe some of you already know but I was unwilling to see. I have tried to come across as a strong woman, or at least stronger on the surface. I've protected myself in a way by doing this. However, all that comes to the conclusion that I'm sensitive, my heart is sensitive. I know, I should know this by now. You may even be laughing at me ...

At 4 a.m., I couldn't go back to sleep. Usually when I take two ibuprofen I'm knocked out especially at nighttime. Medicine has always made me sleepy, non-drowsy formulas included. A few days ago, my body and brain made it clear that I needed to be off the percoset. I don't understand why anyone would want to be on it. The way it made me so loopy and groggy was scary. It took a day but I finally got it out of my system, and kept the ibuprofen going for my pain and swelling. But it's not an experience I want again. But tonight I was tired early and ready to sleep. Didn't sleep much, and I realize it's because of so many emotions. It's not the percoset, and maybe a little hormones are contributing, but its definitely a season for me of emotions. So much has happened this year, not just the last two months. There has been some good, but the bad outweighs it at the moment. I pray and release, but it seems to come back. Tonight, though tired, I can't sleep. T...

Yesterday, I truly didn't feel myself, at all. I knew I needed to get out but also didn't want to do much. I found something to do, to be out of the house and find time to think about some things. But it was today that I realized I'm in a rut, and it's a real one. No, I'm not being dramatic. I don't necessarily have to make huge life changes, but I do truly need to get motivated somehow and set some better priorities. I've also had a setback that has contributed greatly, and in the process of all this, have lost a good friend to Covid, and it's bringing up past griefs of family I've lost in the past four years. It's manageable but still hard. And it all started with my uncles passing, and me worried about my dad in the hospital with covid. He recovered, my friend did not. It's surreal, and it still hurts. However, I also know a lot of it is because it's hard for me to be mobile, so all I do is eat and sleep - and my body needs that rest t...

My last blog was Oct 21, 28 days after my surgery. Today is ending day 42. In 6 days I have a second surgery to "revise" my first surgery. Right now, I feel like I failed my first surgery. I'll be at least a month past the original healing estimate. It's a bit taxing on my mind. It's getting harder to stay optimistic. Mindsets, they can be hard to maintain or to change. Daily, I try to find things to do, to read/study, to write, but most of the time I'm just trying to entertain myself to keep my mind from over thinking, my definite flaw. From adult coloring books, crossword puzzles, word searches, solitaire on my phone, and now three different poker apps on my phone, I've just been trying to keep my sanity. And while I'm healing, I have an Aunt hurting and getting cortisone shots, a friend who has both parents going through cancer treatments, my grandmother trying to navigate life after losing both her sons in the last year, two friends also having sur...