"Rut" living, and appreciating being able to shower

Yesterday, I truly didn't feel myself, at all. I knew I needed to get out but also didn't want to do much. I found something to do, to be out of the house and find time to think about some things.

But it was today that I realized I'm in a rut, and it's a real one. No, I'm not being dramatic. I don't necessarily have to make huge life changes, but I do truly need to get motivated somehow and set some better priorities.

I've also had a setback that has contributed greatly, and in the process of all this, have lost a good friend to Covid, and it's bringing up past griefs of family I've lost in the past four years. It's manageable but still hard. And it all started with my uncles passing, and me worried about my dad in the hospital with covid. He recovered, my friend did not. It's surreal, and it still hurts.

However, I also know a lot of it is because it's hard for me to be mobile, so all I do is eat and sleep - and my body needs that rest to heal truly.. But I don't feel like I'm doing things as well as I could, and I know I've gained even more weight but there isn't too much I can do about that at the moment.

I decided that though I felt down that first thing today I needed to start something, so I researched better meal planning. I'll not have my mom with me this time. I'll need things to be simple and healthy, and easily accessible- no major cooking but complete meals and as affordable as possible. The next 2 weeks will be like my first 2 weeks of surgery and way less mobility than I have now. 

It took awhile for me to come out of my funk enough to sit at a computer. In fact it took until 5 p.m. and after an after lunch long nap to get any energy going. 

Then though I was still down decided I just needed to sit up and be awake. I sat in the front room with my mom and we watched four episodes of Flipping 101, and she made me dinner. It was a little thing but it helped. Now, I'm laying on my bed having gotten enough energy to shower and wash my hair - something I won't be able to do again for at least two weeks following my surgery. It'll be back to spongebaths. Though the showering now is awkward and I need to be very careful, it's definitely appreciated. 

In a few minutes, I'll blow dry my hair and lightly curl it, then get in bed. Tomorrow we go to early service and it'll make it easier to get ready and most importantly feel ready. Then I'll get to have lunch with three of my friends, who I know will lift me up without even knowing it. Monday I return to CA and am on my own again. I suspect though that my spirits will be better with having been filled up by my parents and good, life long friends for the past 10 days - at least for awhile. 

I do question daily why I'm in this place in life that I am right now - but then the thought sneaks in that I could barely walk before surgery, and in all this downtime, I was unexpectedly able to spend time with people I never thought possible. Though the circumstances are crummy, maybe God just made sure I was available. And that's a thought that uplifts me in this time of "ruttiness."

I pray that even in the hard days, you can find a way to dig yourself out of it, and let God handle the burden you feel. I'm thankful God's given me what I needed today to feel better. I'm not out of it, but I'm better and I know I'll learn a good lesson at the end of this.

Have a lovely Saturday night and Sunday!

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋