I have a lot to say, and I never know what to say

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My last blog was Oct 21, 28 days after my surgery. Today is ending day 42. In 6 days I have a second surgery to "revise" my first surgery. Right now, I feel like I failed my first surgery. I'll be at least a month past the original healing estimate. It's a bit taxing on my mind. It's getting harder to stay optimistic.

Mindsets, they can be hard to maintain or to change. Daily, I try to find things to do, to read/study, to write, but most of the time I'm just trying to entertain myself to keep my mind from over thinking, my definite flaw. From adult coloring books, crossword puzzles, word searches, solitaire on my phone, and now three different poker apps on my phone, I've just been trying to keep my sanity.

And while I'm healing, I have an Aunt hurting and getting cortisone shots, a friend who has both parents going through cancer treatments, my grandmother trying to navigate life after losing both her sons in the last year, two friends also having surgery soon, and then my friend Denise and all our friends still grieving the loss of one of us. It's a lot, and I didn't post everything! There's so much more hardship around me!

Then again God doesn't give us what we can't handle, because He asks us to let Him do it. So we, I have all the feelings and emotions but we release it to Him through prayer, meditation, and just letting go.

But it is SO HARD TO LET GO. It is so hard not to dwell on the bad things, or not feel guilty if say you didn't think about your friend grieving their husband today but realized they probably did all day long. You just feel guilty that today you didnt; but yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, etc, you did. It doesn't make you a bad person but boy Satan knows how to push those buttons to make you feel like a bad friend. Then you want to call or text them but don't know what to say or type because you know you've not always had the right words in the past. You don't want to repeat that. So you don't do anything, and now it's too late for today to do anything. You do the next best thing, you pray. 

It is such a strange, unfortunate time in my life but sometimes those are the times that really move us, get us to take that next step. So besides my priorities tonight in prayer (Denise T, Angie M, Cari G, Mimi, Aunt C, etc), I will and need to be praying what all this downtime is supposed to teach me, grow me, change me, or reveal to me.

As this blog post has released my inner, negative thoughts out loud so they don't stay inside and fester, I'm looking forward to the positives that fill in their place.

I hope beyond hopes that your night tonight gives you the rest you need for tomorrow, and that tomorrow is a day for you that brings joy. I pray this for myself, too. 

Lots of love,
Tiffany 💋 

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