no sleep at 4 a.m., and navigating life

At 4 a.m., I couldn't go back to sleep. Usually when I take two ibuprofen I'm knocked out especially at nighttime. Medicine has always made me sleepy, non-drowsy formulas included. A few days ago, my body and brain made it clear that I needed to be off the percoset. I don't understand why anyone would want to be on it. The way it made me so loopy and groggy was scary. It took a day but I finally got it out of my system, and kept the ibuprofen going for my pain and swelling. But it's not an experience I want again.

But tonight I was tired early and ready to sleep. Didn't sleep much, and I realize it's because of so many emotions. It's not the percoset, and maybe a little hormones are contributing, but its definitely a season for me of emotions. So much has happened this year, not just the last two months. There has been some good, but the bad outweighs it at the moment. I pray and release, but it seems to come back. Tonight, though tired, I can't sleep. The emotions are running high.

Let me preface that I'm ok. I'm not depressed. I am feeling some things though, things we feel at times that we're uncertain what the next step is, or why we're in the place we're in. When we're in that uncertain place, the other things in our life seem to be given permission to join the party, and the emotions grow.

I'm in that time right now - a time we all go through, and usually multiple times through life. It's just my turn again, and it's my turn to move forward through it. 

I do have a suspicion that once I'm walking and working again, and when my short-term disability finally comes through, that these emotions will temper. Any stress, but especially financial, adds to our anxieties. It's adding to mine...but again I can't control that so I need to let go, and let God.

I'm also realizing I'm ok being alone, but I really want to meet my person, too. I've been patient for almost 46 years, when is it my turn? That question is never fun to navigate - especially when you see people not as stable as you finding people to be with, and you can't seem to. Why are the people presumably more messed up than you more successful in relationships? It's maddening at times.

Truly, I am good with being single, but it doesn't mean that my desire to love someone and be loved by someone isn't still there. At times of emotional uncertainty, this always cones up. 

Also, there's been so much loss and pain with people I care about; and of course the uncertainty of healing this foot, using it again, and how/when I can get back to work. So much in my head, as I know I'm not the only one. Many are in this place, but they definitely wouldn't be vulnerable and blog about it.

But I am and I would, if only to help someone else know its ok to be and feel these ways. Human emotion is normal. It's good to feel, it's good to know that I'm feeling lots of things. It makes me, me.

As I finish this, I feel more relaxed having released my thoughts. I don't hold on to them - I use this to write them out as one way of release. Once posted, I'll pray and go back to sleep.

I hope you learn to release, or open up your emotions. I hope you find your person who can help you navigate these waters. And I hope each day for you has more certainty of who you want to be and where you want to go.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋