The emotional and physical struggle bus

This has not been an easy emotional and physical week. It's only Thursday but it feels like it's been a week and a half. It started Monday morning when I couldn't get out of bed because my back was not happy. I don't know why either because I had slept okay. But I literally couldn't move. My roommate was still out of town so I got very worried that if I couldn't figure out a way to get mobile that I wasn't even gonna be able to get to work. It took an hour and 12 minute. But by 10, I was finally able to move and walk around. I do not know why my back just shut down for that time. I'd recently had the random feeling of being in the middle of a lesson and my lower back feeling like it was gonna give out but it doesn't it. I don't know if anyone understands what I mean...however, I know there's 1 person I talked to who said "yeah I know exactly that feeling." It's a very weird feeling. It kind of tells me if I'm doing too much and to watch what I'm doing and make an adjustment..so that was Monday morning. I thought I was gonna struggle more over the day because of it but our dances session, though I was Uncomfortable through most of it, did the opposite this time, and helped my back move and get better. Crisis averted.

 Monday was also the start of the first full week of work/life I had back from vacation. ⁰I do feel more rested and rejuvenated but there were also consequences emotionally that you can sometimes expect and then not expect after you witness something meaningful in person, and come back to a little drama. I'm gonna keep that particular something very vague for personal reasons, and just write about the emotions experienced. When you're affected emotionally it takes a lot of energy - especially with my career and job - to make sure you function at as much of a high level as you can, or know how to. By 7 p.m. yesterday, I was spent...and I still had 2 hours/3 lessons to go. I was proud of how I could respond, and knew I was going to get to sleep faster last night, enrolling 2 of 3 students in the process. I was just spent. 

Then it was clear that I hadn't done enough once I went over the day, and couldn't find a lick of energy to respond to a simple request. I realize how bad it made me look, and how much work I still have to do to succeed, while trying to  balance physical and emotional upheavals that are going to hapoen at times.

But this isn't new for me. I don't have the constraints of a marriage and kids, but being single and having no help isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Singles don't have help in going home to a hug, or comforting/uplifting words, etc. It's on us, even if we have a good support system. So last night all I had left was to cry. To release that way. I felt better afterwards a little bit, but it brought up a lot of real issues I have, both with succeeding at work and in life. It's good to see areas that we can improve ourselves, but its also ok to feel the emotions of it. It's OK to be sad, angry, to release by crying. We are all built different and can handle things at different times different ways. It's OK for people around us to know and understand, or vice versa. What's important is our honesty to ourselves and others, and accepting whatever response it evokes.

This morning, I have to do things a bit differently to make sure I'm as best as I can be today. And I have to see the good in what happened or what I experienced on previous days, knowing how I can improve but also focusing on HAVE improved....in work, in life, in handling things, in life in general, while being a bit mushy and uncertain on the inside. 

I am superwoman, even if no one knows it. God does, and that's all that matters. He'll guide me to continue to function the best I can each day. I just have to let go of those struggle busses a little more each day, so I let Him do His job, and I experience what's best for me. 

I hope, whenever you read this, your inner turmoil/struggles have a voice and can reach out. I'm ok this morning, but sharing an internal struggle this way I hope helps someone else heal, grow, reach out.

Lots of love ❤️, 

Tiffany