Football, Wine, Ballroom Dance, Book, and, oh, you know me!

 Life is changed. It just is. I'm more stable now but living without a person who was part of you for almost 44 years is just life-changing period. You have no choice but to see things differently. Yes, you "learn to live without," which is a phrase I really hate (also "be strong" doesn't have the same meaning anymore, I hate those two words together), but it doesn't mean you aren't changed a bit, or its not okay to be a little different. It so COMPLETELY is OK! You just hope that the people around you can understand your transitions; can forgive you for them. And, really, you now truly know what someone else you know went through in their loss, when before you were the one saying "you'll get through this, be strong, etc." I'm thankful for those people to have forgiven me for my naivety during that time for them; and I pray to be the same graceful person right now - when all I want to do is scream at any of those statements.

But I digress.

This is about how I have a different perspective on things now; what's important and what isn't.

Football. Deebo Samuel is apparently asking for 25 million a year from the SF 49ers, my beloved team. On one hand, he is probably worth that with the unique gifts he possesses that no one else literally has in the NFL; on the other hand, no one needs that much, truly. I've followed Deebo since he became a 49er and he impressed me with his down to earth personality. But dare I say it? I don't truly know him but through social media, he has changed. I can only gauge by what I see, which I know is not 100% accurate viewpoint but the fact remains he has changed in some ways, even by his speech. I love his player mindset but football has become a business first now with players "demanding" more and more, instead of earning it from the organization. He's earned his millions but if they offered 20 million, and he came back with no less than 25 million? What does the say about him? Does that say he is fighting for what he's earned? Or does it say that greed has now invaded Deebo Samuel?

I hate the idea that Deebo may not be a 49er if they don't work it out to "his" liking, but this whole "Instagram" saga with no explanation actually makes me want to unfollow him. To me, even as a football fanatic and supporter probably even when I shouldn't be, it's just another player being changed into the business of the NFL, instead of for the love of it, appreciating it (it's hard, and I do believe to a point they should get paid a lot for the mental and physical beating they take), even dare I say it, loyalty to the team that believed in them first. My perspective truly has changed, and though Deebo is one of the three jerseys I've bought since Rice (yes, that far back; the only ones I ever had was Rice and Joe Montana), it may be one I try to sell to someone. 

Wine. We all know its my thing. As long as my health is not affected by it, it will be my thing. But what I truly enjoy is the experiences and the fact that it can be researched studied in its diversity. Palates are so different, and what one says is the best wine in the world and is worth one thousand dollars a bottle, the next person can say its the most disgusting thing they ever drank! I love that about wine. So, now my perspective has expanded with a quest to find wines that my friends like, not just what is known to be great in the world of wine. Yes, I still want to go to lots of wineries that are well-known I haven't been yet (still excited that Opus One is checked off my list! Yay!), but I'm looking for even small, not so well-known wineries either local to me or in the "wine regions" that may be little diamonds in the rough. I also still want to explore regions outside of California that are known, like Williamette Valley. I'm planning a trip late this year (probably October) to meet my cousin to go wine tasting up there for a few days. My goal is 8 wineries in 3 days. 

I'm going to try to do the same for the Lodi/Sonoma/Mendocino area. I'm planning a trip sometime in July, if I'm able to take my weekend and one additional day (probably July 4 since its an already built in holiday; trying not to take any days off work since I haven't been able to work much in the last 7 months). Right now the plan is to start in Lodi w/2 wineries then make my way to the Sonoma area for two, then four in Mendocino/Alexander Valley). It sounds like a long trip but Airbnb's are cheaper, and I have a nice car plus I like to drive. The other idea is to scrap either Lodi, or Sonoma/Mendocino, and just do one or the other. I haven't decided yet. I'm drawn more to going Sonoma/Mendocino because I just loved that area when my friends and I were over there a few years ago. I'd like to really spend more time there. I guess we'll see.

Ballroom Dancing. Hmmm, not feeling this one right now. I have lots of thoughts but they aren't well formulated. I'll come back to this in another blog.

Book. Today I set aside one hour to work on the final chapter and a half that is the most pivotal because it both closes out the current books conflict, but sets up for how the story continues to a second (and third) novel, if it even is any good in the first place. Yes, I still want to try to get it published and have "author" by my name, but it isn't anymore something that defines me. Neither is being a ballroom dance teacher, managing a studio, owning a studio, or any of my other work goals. What defines me is me. Who I am as a person whether I'm teaching a lesson, doing reports or paperwork, training someone, writing a poem or my book, the time spent with a friend or family, talking on the phone, answering a TI call, meeting someone new at a winery, etc. Tiffany is who she is when she's doing all those things, she's not defined by the things. I lost track of that for a great long while and was telling myself, "If you don't do this right, however are you going to run a studio or your own business?" "If you're not an all-star, how will the higher ups think you're franchisee material?" "If you don't finish this book AND get it published, then you just wasted time and doesn't that make you a class 1 failure?" "If you have to set boundaries with a friend to the point that you can't be around them, what does the say about your relationship-building, regardless of another persons anxieties and differences from you?"

Yes, all those things. It's a lesson that I have learned before, but it didn't take right away. My plan is that it takes and stays consistent each day after today. What's important is that I'm the best version of me in everything I do, even if that day I'm not able to handle as much as I was the previous day. I need to celebrate the little successes, and not just stress out about when the next BIG one will come. 

To come full circle, I'll end with these thoughts:

My body first was laid up due to having to make the tough decision for surgery. Then a series of unfortunate events happened with three very close people in my life passing away, and a second surgery having to take place.  I have to forgive myself and give grace to myself and others as I've tried to deal with extreme grief, guilt, over-thinking to the nth degree, and physically having to relearn how to do what I do, let alone walk again. But because of my brother's life and all the little blessings that he was outside of our vision, the important thing is to be the best version of yourself and to help people around you. Give them your time; and set the priorities that really shouldn't be priorities aside. If you think realistically, you'll know what those are for yourself. It'll be hard to let them go, or at least put them aside for a while, but you will be a better version of yourself for doing so.

My hour of writing starts soon. This doesn't quality. This was my time of peace in a quiet house: no tv, no facebook, no music, no roommates (all three gone). Just me and my laptop, and writing my current thoughts down as I drink my morning coffee. 

I hope you have a great rest of your morning, and week. Whatever you do from this day forward, I pray you are a better version of yourself than the day before.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋