No energy, and looking forward isn't realistic right now

Today was just an odd or a bad day - I don't know which one yet. My second PT appointment went well, albeit much more painful. I have more PT exercises to perform on my own and am thankful I don't go back until Friday. Then two things happened to cause me anxiety, but they were because of unhappy people who don't want to do their jobs, so I won't go into that detail.

So, when I finally got home at 12:30ish, I just needed to take a nap. I did, but I woke up off and on crying. I have NEVER been this way before. I don't remember what I dreamed about, but I woke up with tears down my face, a warm face, and feeling sad and anxious. At 3 p.m. I was able to be calm and just focused on getting ready for work. I felt that I had finally gotten myself together and was okay.

Realistically, I was just so zapped of energy. I found that out when I was being asked questions by our new (yet old) staff member, and I just couldn't answer them very quickly or with a good manner. I wasn't mean or rude, but I know I wasn't myself and I know this person doesn't know this "grieving" me, or what has happened in my life. I wasn't going to tell them either - but in my behavior, or how I thought I was behaving, I apologized and told them what was going on. My biggest thing was that they didn't think it had anything to do with them personally, just because they were returning and didn't leave in the best of ways. I'm over that. I trust my bosses implicitly. I expect this person to have committed to a better path moving forward. With my unusual demeanor today, I needed to make sure it wasn't about them but about my brother being gone from this earth and how I'm struggling. They admitted that they had noticed my lack of energy yesterday and today wasn't any better. They were hoping I was okay. At the least, I was happy that I did diagnose my demeanor correctly; and now I hope telling them was the right thing in order to build a strong, honest business relationship.

I struggled today, though, honestly and truly. All day, in different ways. My struggle is easier I think than the rest of my family because I'm not there - I'm not home with my sister-in-law and my niece and nephews, not with my dad at his house, not with my mom and stepdad at theirs. I am by myself, with only my personal reminders. I have been alone for a long while - at least since I moved to San Jose almost eight years ago. It doesn't make dealing with his death easy, but I think some days it's easier. Today, none of that mattered. I mean I was just taking a nap, and I woke up in tears twice. It was involuntary to me; and yet, I know it's because my subconscious was reminding me that I'm still really sad. Very, very sad.

Today, we also started our new year planning and dreaming. To be honest, though I really tried to focus and dig deep for words, goals, dreams I don't feel any of it deeply. I felt on autopilot a bit. I'm supposed to put together affirmations by Friday, and I'll get it done, but I know that I can't see the future right now. My career is not going by the wayside, but right now some things don't feel important like they did. I know the will and I will push myself through this sad and life-pausing time. Looking forward isn't realistic right now...but forcing myself to look forward is something that I think will help me take two steps forward a day, rather than the one I finally managed to do daily. 

Tomorrow, I don't have any plans before I go back to work. I can sleep in; I can relax; I can read, do bible studies, write a little. I'm thankful for that because after today, I need the down time.

I truly hope that one day I don't need so much down time. I feel like I have to have many hours of down time a day. Grieving is like a job; a job I really don't want any more, but I can't bring my brother back. It's not possible. So, I do this job until I'm able to understand it will be a part of my life forever, and that there will be more of it in the future when others super close to me leave this world behind, too.

Until then, what I'm feeling is enough. And there is one good thing from today: downward rainbows, or at least that's what I call them. They are faint, wide, and go straight from sky to ground. I have seen them when I needed to, and the first time was at Monterey with my friend Alisa when she was here to help me through those first days. I've missed the real rainbows; but I've not missed these downward rainbows. I'm convinced that my brother convinced God to have this kind of rainbow be for me so he can tell me he's okay. I know that may be reaching, but I believe it so much. I saw two on my way to work today in different places, and it wasn't even raining, and both times I'd started to think of him and cry. Those rainbows got me through work tonight. I believe that without them, I would have had to turn around and go home. 

I'm so thankful for those rainbows but will always miss my brother. Love you, Aaron.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋