I just wasn't prepared, and a pocket of productivity

Grief is just not something you really know until you experience it. It is a part of life that we all will experience at some point. We all each handle it differently from each other, and with each person we lose. It is not taught though - probably because it can't be. I've been sitting here this morning, half done with my PT exercises, and I'm just thinking how much it's affected me that I could never have imagined. I'm not crying right now; I'm feeling a little more energy - at least enough to take care of the urgent things - and yet I know that I am not "me." I'm just not. And as much as I try to tell myself I'm okay, I'm just not.

I don't mean that I'm just depressed or in a pit of despair; I'm not me. There's always been that little seed of joy in me; that little thing that sets me apart from others that just can't see the positive. I've ALWAYS been able to tap into that at some point. This time, I can't even find it. I can be awake, moving around, productive - but not with that lightness, not with that "fake it until you make it" seed. I don't think that it's gone completely but it is hiding. A friend said yesterday - "it's hiding until you are ready to find it." And I agree with her. I want so badly to just be able to be myself for a few hours each day, enough to work a little. I literally don't know how to because I'm "hiding" until I'm ready to seek. Grief just takes you out of yourself. Some for a little while, some for a good amount of time, and some for a good long while. But each of those mean something different to each person, a different amount of time.

I was reminded by my group last night that it's ONLY been 38 (39 today) since my brother left us to be with Jesus; and only 31 days since we buried him. OH, good Lord, why do I have to type these words? Why couldn't he beat it? Why this, and not some of the other things that he did silly in his life, or why not until AFTER he had grandkids????

I thought that I would be okay with grief; that I'd be able to function normally. That it would be hard but that I would just need a few weeks and be able to find ways to daily function after those few weeks. It's been over a month now and my insides are still heavy and hollow in places. Yes, I'm still rehabbing my foot (which is painful but going better every day; I'm tempted to put full weight on it today though I'm not supposed to - so I won't. *sigh*) but that's not even close to this feeling. I don't have to cry and I feel it.

But it is a teeny, tiny bit better today - enough that I have a pocket of productivity this morning. I made breakfast, coffee, got together some things for the post office, did half of my foot PT (it's a lot and my ankle is not happy so I'm splitting it up), and actually feel okay with leaving the house soon. I couldn't leave the house on Wednesday and Thursday, and I shouldn't have on Tuesday - which caused problems for others that I didn't want to cause. Now it's affecting me and my future so Tuesday was a bad decision day for me.

I'm so thankful for this pocket of productivity - because I can't not live my life at all. I have to live someway, somehow, and it's becoming urgent that I do. I wish I could take off two months and just be okay to grieve and process the way I need then go back to work. But I can't; because I've been off work for 4 months now and that's all I can do financially. I HAVE to go back to work, period. And yet this week, I couldn't. I literally couldn't; though I know I need to and am a hard worker. I couldn't muster four hours of good work. It just wasn't good. Today, I feel different enough that I probably could do it. Tuesday, no. Monday I was okay. If I stayed home Tuesday, then Wednesday might've been a possibility.

And then that whole series of thoughts anger me so! Why can I not work four hours a day for five days in a row??? That's so ridiculous!!!! I'm so mad at myself. Then I remember something said in group last night...someone who has been through this and is in group to help others - your normal life isn't normal anymore, and even when it seems it's back to normal it won't be like the normal before, and that it's something that will take time to learn so be patient with yourself. 

Patience. It is a virtue, but in this case, it's elusive. Today, that's what I prayed for: patience in everything. Patience in doing my two projects for today; patience in my attitudes; patience for the people around me; patience to make some important decisions right now; patience when talking to someone; patience in all my mood changes; patience in learning how to control what I can right now, letting go of what I can't, and in knowing which is which - because it's not the same now. Normal is different.

Normal can get better; and there's a better "new" normal for me, but its in the baby step process and not quite finished with the first baby step yet. 

Thank you to those who read this and just listen and not judge. I think I just have to write things down sometimes - as silly as they might be. It really is cathartic for me. Today, I needed to write these words to move to the next thing. Just do the next thing. This was the next thing. Now that it's done, its time for the next thing: whether that's taking a nap, getting dressed, finishing my coffee, going to the post office, going to the grocery store, or cleaning out the fridge, or bathroom. Just the next thing.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋