2022, and love. your. people.

I'm frustrated right now. Why? Because the wifi just won't connect to my laptop. It did the same thing for my apple laptop, too. It just wouldn't connect sometimes. I don't know why. Dan doesn't know why. It just won't. The password is the same, the wifi works on other laptops, tvs, phones...but somehow, at the most frustrating times, my laptop just won't connect, so I can't use it in that way. A lot of times I'd go to a different room or just get closer to the router, and it'd connect; but sometimes it won't. It wouldn't tonight, no matter what I did. But I still wanted to type this blog so I am now on my phone, the way I DIDNT want to type this but oh well, right?

Anyway, I digress. It's a new year but it's not necessarily new, or better, or whatever. The date has just changed over. That's all. The horrible things that happened in 2021 are still there, they didn't magically disappear. They came with me/us into 2022, and in the worst way: without an original piece of ourselves, myself. It's not a piece we chose to leave behind; no, it's a piece that was ripped from us unfairly and permanently on this side of heaven. I come into 2022 not whole for the first time.

I told my friend today that I wanted to go back to the first day I found out my brothers family was sick, and then fight harder to get my bro healthier earlier. I don't know if he or they'd listen to me, but I told her I would've got myself arrested for forcing myself into his room to be there for him and with him, or to get my sister-in-law in there; I'd raise holy hell to fight for him. This is where I am now more than being sad: Guilt. Guilt because I don't know if I fought hard enough, prayed hard enough, loved hard enough to help him. What if I did one thing different, and it could change things? What if???

But what ifs don't help; they don't change things; they won't bring my brother back. And I know that. I do. I hate it, I do.

We live now in such idiotic times. Politics and "whatever is right for you" rules, and neither should. People aren't seeing how wrong that all is. Maybe Covid would've still taken my brother; but I know for a fact that the anxiety he felt from the unnecessary isolation was a HUGE contributing factor. What if one of us being there - even in hazmat suits - would've made him fight harder? Cause you know what? Humanity is built to need each other. We are built to not be alone. Isolation allows this virus to breathe and get stronger. But the human mind and condition is stronger if we let it fight - but we've allowed that to be taken away from us (our movies are even all about the underdog banding together and fighting and winning!). We have protocols and protective clothing that allow us to be with people in need, so why aren't those being used? Why is it forbidden? That's rubbish!!! It's ridiculous!!! It's control where there shouldn't be!!!

I hope you understand truly what I'm saying. Covid sucks, and it's bad, yes. But it should NOT isolate us from our loved ones 100%. It doesn't need to - we've built actual SUITS that keep a human safe even from radiation!! Sitting with our loved one - protected in the right attire -for 20/30 minutes at a time will not devastate the world. NOT being with our loved ones is what's killing people and devastating the world!!! Wake up!!!

If there's anything in 2022 that I can encourage, it's to fight for your people - by "your people," I mean your loved ones/close family and friends who need you. Fight in ways that I couldn't, or didn't know how to. Learn to get out of your comfort zone, think out of the box. 

Check on your people regularly; make sure they are ok, and open up your time to listen when they need an ear. And sometimes that's ALL they need, is someone to listen AND hear them. They actually don't always need advice or an answer, just someone they trust to share things, to work verbally through things. Just be there for your people, even if you're a little busy. Texts and emails aren't great, but they work and they fit into busy lives. If you randomly think of someone, then there's a reason you did: call/text/email them, pray for them, even write them a letter. There's so much we can do that we don't do. Change that habit ASAP.

I just needed to get this out. It was on my heart. I also know I'm going to need grief counseling soon. I'm doing ok but I know this is going to be a long process. I just can't do everything at once, so I've chosen to focus on my physical health and get this body walking again so I can work again and be productive in some way in life; I'll employ my comfy methods of dealing with hardship until then - like writing this post and others, and talking with friends when I can. Then I'll get a counselor and focus on my grief.

Until then, my advice is to check in on, and fight for, your people- daily. Don't wait; there isn't going to be a "better" time.

Lot's of love,

Tiffany 💋