When do you know, and why I don't like apples.

I live in pain everyday. Yes, you heard that right. Pain. I won't say where it is - some of my closest friends and family know what it is - but it is a body part. This issue with said body part in my condition can only be fixed by surgery. I've been to two specialists over my life about it (one in IN, and one in CA) and they said the same thing, "This needs surgery. The corrective devices won't work for yours. They will get more painful, or you can live with it as long as you can handle it."

I, of course, have chosen to "handle it" and it's just become a part of my life. It's been mind over matter for over 15 years. What has helped me deal with the daily - and nightly - pain is how many people, good friends I know that have so many more painful afflictions from fibromyalgia, to lyme disease, to multiple sclerosis. My body part is a small one and not as life-altering as theirs.

Or is it? The pain has been bad lately, and the area affected the most tender than its ever been. I have carried tylenol in my purse consistently for the past three months. I usually take one at dinner time - not everyday but averaging 2-3 times a week. The other days I grin and bear it because I tell myself "its not as bad."

But this body part is crucial to my daily life - but I've learned that mind over matter is a thing. And this pain can sometimes be controlled through my mind. I mean, I lived with it over 15 years. I've worked with it and through it. I fear though that its come close to time to finally fix it. 

But I'm scared. I'm scared financially. It's a cost not really covered by insurance and one that I can't pay by cash. I'll have to make payments. It's a cost because I will literally not be able to work - at all - for at least two months. The recovery period is usually 6-8 weeks but full recovery is almost 6 mos. I'm scared that it won't work. I've seen the good and bad of this kind of surgery. I can't have the bad happen. I'll be out of my job completely. What if it works but doesn't take the pain away, and my issue is deeper than I realize? There is a second pain that happens at certain times that baffles me. I know its not a fracture of the bone but it is searing when it rears its ugly head - and that usually happens when I'm practicing a lot. So guess what? I don't practice anymore (or exercise too much). Not really. I have a bit because of what I have coming up but not like I need to. I save my body part for my teaching day. That's more important to me.

I feel though that it's held me back from moving forward in a lot of things. I feel its just enough of a pain that stops me from fully moving forward. It literally wakes me up in the middle of the night. It will spasm or worse burn. I have to maneuver to make sure it doesn't touch anything. It's that sensitive. Then I have to try to fall back asleep.

But I do fall back asleep, and though it takes awhile to work in the mornings, it does work and I move about my day. Mind over matter. 

So when do I know its time to fix? Increasingly, and at the most possible worse time, I'm beginning to think its soon. Maybe by the end of this year. I've put a call into another specialist. I had to leave a message. I need one more opinion before I start planning for a surgery. Because what keeps coming at me are these words: "You're being silly. If you can get it fixed and get the pain away, you have no idea how much that can help you and propel you forward."

Because you know what? I have lived with this pain daily for years. And I never had to. I could've gotten it fixed awhile ago. Instead I've soldiered through - but really did I need to? Maybe I've been stupid about all of this.

The one thing I do know is that I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of dealing with it. It's the worse time and Satan is trying to use it to distract me. I'm tired of it being an excuse. I'm tired of the mind over matter daily. It can be fixed, supposedly easily. It's time consuming, and with my particular job, putting me out of work for awhile. 

Still, is it time?

I don't like apples. At all. I've learned to eat one sometimes but I still don't like them. Nope. Not apple cider, either. Kinda hate the stuff. I never liked anything apple even as a child. Even before the apple incident. My first stepmom really wanted me to like apples. I won't go into all the details but there was a day that she made me eat everything apples, and already not liking them, ended up very sick for most of the rest of the day and into the next day. I really hated them after that, and I didn't like her very much. But as an adult, I realized that it was something that held me back in a certain part of relationships. It was a block that had developed at a very young age for a very personal reason. 

I also realized however that it was something I could gain control of instead of allowing it to control me. So about three years ago I decided to try different apples to see which ones I could stomach periodically. After a few months, I found that I could eat a Gala apple. When I go to the store, I will sometimes get a Gala apple instead of a pear to eat with one of my lunches over the week. I still don't like apples. Sorry, but most apple desserts I don't make and I won't eat of someone else's. But I overcame my internal issue and can actually eat an apple.

I think I did this with my pain. Mind over matter - but it was wrong to for this. I needed to have it taken care of. Now, I feel like I have forced myself into a decision. But if I'm to stay in my business for the next 15-20 years, it is probably very worth the 2-3 months (hopefully, not 6 months) of recovery time. But when do I pull that trigger?

So today, I'll remind myself again, I put a call into a specialist. Hopefully, I can get in sometime in August so I know what I'm looking at and can plan for it soon. I want to put myself and the people around me in the best situation I can if I'm to be out for awhile. I can deal with the pain for awhile longer.

I've dealt with it this long; I can deal a bit longer. But I think my waiting is over for surgery. I think; no, I know its time to put the pieces in motion. It's not a decision I want to make but it is one I have to....because I don't remember what its like to not have some pain there - and maybe its possible for that to not be in pain. I have never let myself think that before. Can I have this be pain-free actually?

Now, its time to stand in a fairly hot shower to calm myself. It hurts a lot today, still. I only had 7 lessons last night. I have 8 today. I already checked my purse; the tylenol is there. I've prayed, I've written this out, and so I go to work armed with more mind over matter.

I think I'll cry the day I get out of bed and there is no pain. I think I'll break down. But I also feel silly that I would. Again, I know so many that are in so much worse conditions. There's that guilt again.

Oh well. I love what I do, otherwise, I wouldn't still be doing it or working through pain. I hope you have a wonderful day and week. 

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋