Being vulnerable and real, and its still love

Adulting is hard.

Recently, I had to admit to myself that I'm sensitive. I had thought that I was a strong, independent woman but I'm realizing that though that may be true in some ways, it's also true that I'm a sensitive person. I may hide it most days but there are things that hurt my little heart and soul.

Today, its grieving a few old friendships. Friendships that I thought were stronger but with distance and time has grown, well, distant. I know that as excited as I would be to connect or see them or celebrate milestones in lives, that I'm not seen as the same anymore. I still will see them as pivotal people in my life, special people, special friends but I don't believe anymore that its reciprocated, and I'm not wishing for it to be anymore...and that's a good thing. As an adult, you learn that relationships, friendships, grow, change, and sometimes in such different ways that it grows away from each other. It's nothing to cry about; but I do still.

This crying, though, is a release. It's not depression. It's not anger. It's not sadness. It's putting away a feeling of hurt that had its place for awhile but now needs to be let go, released. I will never name names to who, unless the person(s) in question ask me directly themselves. I doubt they will ever know it themselves to know to ask.

Why am I writing this today? Because I know that there are many people like me who feel this but don't express it. We don't have conversations like this with friends that we haven't been able to visit or be with for awhile. People do change; and whether its our fault for not connecting or not, the feelings are real. We also have to understand, however, that some people truly are in our lives for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime. When you start to see which one they fall into, it can give us deep feelings because maybe they are for a season but we saw them as a lifetime. That's something with a few that I'm grieving today, or have recently. It's a good thing to learn and grow and "adult" and let go of hurts. It's not good to let them inside. And it's not good to hurt someone just because you are hurting.

None of these friends have ever said they didn't like me anymore or want me out of their lives, or that I'm not important. Actions do sound louder than words. I realize that I can be most at fault for that - but I've learned to accept that the reason why a friendship isn't close is strictly because of my non-action, or their non-action. I have to accept both and let it go. Otherwise, I grow in passive/aggressive anger/hurt/pain with someone who has no clue or the slightest idea that our friendship, or lack thereof, is hurting to me. It's such a bad thing and so negative to have those feelings - again, though, they are real and we need to work through, deal with them, and then release them. Let me say that last one again, RELEASE THEM!

I will say and put one name out there that I know will always be in my life - and there are a few others the same but I'll leave them for another blog - but she's special to me because she knows me and accepts me, even when we have disagreements, even when I'm growing in things she already has grown, even with gentle corrections I need, whole heartedly: Jen Robinson. She is my best friend. I have some I could call best friends but she's their leader in my book. I know without a doubt she will always be there for me - and I for her. There is no questioning that.

I'm sure you have someone you can say the same about. I used to have a lot of friends in Indiana, a lot of friends growing up in CA. I couldn't count them all on my fingers, toes, appendages, etc. There were so many!!! I loved it. But not all of them were to be in my life forever and close. But I've thought about them all - even the guys/men in my group, ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, ex-guys I dated for awhile. I've prayed for them individually over the last nine years even if I haven't spoken a word to them since my going away party a little over 9 years ago, or when I moved from CA to IN 25 years ago. But most will not ever be near me again - not because they are making a conscious effort not to be, but because their lives and my life have gone in directions away from each other.

It's hard for people who feel like me - and feel like they have to keep their feelings inside a lot of times. It's okay to - until it becomes unhealthy and you need to share your feelings. A lot of times though our emotions get the best of us. I've seen how important it is to control our initial emotions and really make sure they are right and valid. At least half the time, they are not....because they don't take into account the perspective of the other person.

I may be wrong to "grieve" some old friendships. In my life though, I need to let go of the negative emotions and see people as not potential to hurt me - and that's a lot of what my life has centered around. Yes, I can liken this to my parents divorcing as a child very early in my life. I have never wanted my parents together - as a young child I knew then that they didn't belong together. But regardless, it was a part of my growing up. It's not their fault in the least. It's the fault of the situation, and so many of us miss that or blame a parent or both. All humans make mistakes and have to learn and grow from them; but I don't have to place blame. I can learn from it, grow from it, and move on. If I choose not to - and it IS each of our choices, make no mistake about that - then it's my decision to stay in the cycle and to not move forward. I'm in control of my life; and that's all I can control. Everything else is not my responsibility. But my life is mine, and I'm the only one that can be blamed for the decisions I make, bad or good.

I guess I needed to release this today. I used to say that I would never move back to California. I really hated it here growing up - yes, even with the beach, Disneyland, etc. Three years before I moved, God started to tell me to move back. I said no. Many times. God said yes, and let me throw a temper tantrum for 3 years then He said enough was enough. I may never know why completely - but I can tell you I would not have grown as much as I have as a person had I not moved here and left the close proximity of lots of friendships. I may have hurt worse as we grew apart - as we should! We should all grow in the ways we are supposed to - and that means that relationships, friendships change. Its the work we put into them - or lack thereof - that determines how we grow through it. And a lot of divorces happen just because people grow in different ways and they don't respect each others growth. All they have to do is love through the changes but people don't. So they divorce. I wonder if it was a true love at all. But that's another blog (a very confusing, and probably nieve one from someone who has yet to "fall in love" with anyone).

At the end of this blog and the proverbial end of the day, I hope those who are sensitive to relationships like me can take heart and be encouraged. I also hope that those who realize through this blog that they have friendships who they know have let slide - myself included - will reach out and reconnect with them.

I will say ashamedly that I had a count once of all the friends who visited close by to me and never reached out, or who had life changes and never texted or called me about them, etc, etc. It got up to twelve for the visits, and seven for the life changes, and others. I don't do that anymore - but it took work. Now I just wish them well. Maybe one day it will work out that someone will call just to chat or just for lunch. And actually a few have! It's been wonderful! I loved that. And for the few times its happened, its been just because they were passing through and we were able to have a few hours to catch up. It was awesome. Just that hour or two was enough for the relationship....and these were friends I would never expect to want to catch up. Again, it was awesome.

So mind the positives that do happen; not the negatives that happen. Its not that no one loves you or cares for you, or wants to be near you anymore. Sometimes its just the circumstances that make it that way (as an example: a friends family members death, an anniversary trip, a quick work trip, etc., there are so many good reasons for no contact or follow-up). 

Let this blog remind you that people love you whether they are close to you or not - maybe a few don't - but you don't know that. There are those that still do but are just truly busy. If you are reading this blog, you either know about it because you know me, or you are a facebook friend. Know that if you are either of those, you have love from me. Maybe its changed because our friendship has changed, but its still love.

I hope you have an awesome day!

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋