New experiences, and learning to love myself through my nievity

Today marks a first for me - a new church. Well, not really. I'm going to visit a friend at her church today. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and going somewhere that I'll be with people my age with a "newer" friend - about six months before the pandemic she and I were only on a text stream for another friend and texted with another friend to coordinate helping someone. It was good timing, too. I would need her wisdom and experience soon, and then I had the opportunity to get to know her some more through actually spending some time together. 

Its an adult kind of friendship - like we have our very different lives and schedules but when we can find time to have dinner or do a short day trip I always feel uplifted and liked for me 100%. There's no expectations or judgements. Just two Christian sisters hanging out. Today, I will get out of my comfort zone of my currently lazy behind of watching my church service on the TV, and visit another church service to spend time with a friend - and maybe make new ones in the process.  I may love it; or it may not be my kind of service. The opportunity to spread my wings in such a simple way though is not lost on me today. I'm looking forward to it.

Also, I just signed up to help at my church as a greeter. For awhile a few years ago, I helped in the coffee shop. This time, I wanted to help more with meeting random people - and again get out of my comfort zone of staying behind the scenes. To be open and honest, I think I'm a bit of an introvert that shows extrovert at times. I really am extremely shy in most cases. I used to joke that I'm shy when I first meet you but when I know I'm accepted and liked, then you can't shut me up! Though I feel confident that I can be a leader and can learn to run a business, my true self is a screaming insecure child who nowadays is just more comfortable in her own space than in a strangers....but I still love people. 

Though reading those last five words make me mad at myself. I'm a hypocrite truly, and I hate it but haven't done enough about it. There are people that I've met that I haven't treated well, and others that have hurt me so that I protected myself and not treated well in kind. Its encouraging to know that those specific situations I've learned from and done better in the future when those similar situations arose - but just re-reading my posts this week reminded me that I still have a long way to go. 

I want to be someone who can get hurt by someone and not be affected by it. I want so badly to not be so sensitive and emotional. Yes, I'm less so as I've grown and experienced and learned lessons...but I'm still easily hurt in some cases. When that happens, and from knowing myself, I too have learned the ways I need to protect myself. It comes in the form of losing trust in someone. Literally not trusting them at all until they prove that they have changed or learned better habits. I know that some would say, if the situation is known to them fully, that I'm doing right. At times, it is. But Jesus wouldn't do that. I am a Christian, not because I'm perfect or have all the answers, but because I know I'm a fallen human being who needs a savior. I need to be forgiven daily, and I need to be reminded daily that I'm perfect just the way God made me - that even on my worst, most heinous of days, God would still die for me. 

If you read a few posts this week or in the past, you know that I'm struggling with not being the perfect friend, or someone not being a good friend to me. Jesus would, and has, offered both of us His hand up. He loves us no differently, despite our differences or hurts. I struggle with being that example. Then I'm reminded that I may never understand why things like this happen, but if He brings me through it with or without that person, as long as He is at the center of me, I will be fine. Period. And they will be fine, period. 

I'm also thankful that I can learn lessons throughout life and be forgiven for when I fall or fail. I'm thankful that though this pandemic was (and is) still hard on a lot of the world, that I can see the good that came of it in my life. Oh, there was bad, too. Some of the bad may never be healed in this lifetime (though I pray everyday for each party that it will. Please, Lord, please!). The biggest thing that I'm thankful for is God reminding me what amazing friends I have, that though I'm not great at technology it has allowed me to stay close to the most important people in my life or re-connect with them, and that if I had just sit still for a bit and opened my eyes I would see so many friendships there that I wasn't nourishing because of "my job" or "my schedule" or "my lack of time or funds." I have connected or re-connected with at least eight people that I can count just in this moment because I was labeled "non-essential" and had to stay home for awhile. I may have had to lose touch with one person for my own health (and for theirs - remember without meaning to we can be a trigger for someone for just being ourselves), but I gained more good relationships in the process. Finally, I may be spending time with another friend just next weekend (outside of Father's Day, of course), and though there's a high potential it may not happen, I'm still using it as a sign that I'm growing in my social life. I can still make friends, and ones that can prove to be lifelong potentially. 

Last for today, I've always wanted to be remembered - not because I'm famous though. I want to be remembered because I had an impact on helping people in some way. Maybe I shouldn't want that; but I feel that the best people God gives us are the ones that we have loving memories of helping us, inspiring us. I think when those people are remembered that our culture keeps its goodness going. Satan wants so badly to tear us apart with whatever he can. I want to be one of the ones that makes him fume when someone remembers me because I'm one of the ones that thwarted his horrible plans. A lot of times, those people can be celebrities - but I realize I don't want to be a celebrity. I just want to know that through me people see God's love and find Him, or strengthen their faith.

Anyway, I'm going to jog out of my comfort zone a bit today, and soon start volunteering again at my church. They are small steps to using my gifts and growing as a person but they are positive ones.

And my day in Carmel tomorrow just enjoying the beach will be fulfilling in a different way. I'm thankful God has given me that, too - to be near the places I love to go the most. 

I hope you do something that is great for you, too, this weekend. And share or comment on it in this blog if you want. 

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋