Making big and little tough decisions, and learning how to make things new

I was to spend this next weekend - Saturday at the least - with a friend in Calistoga. She has been planning a weekend there to relax and enjoy the spas and hot springs, and maybe do a winery. I was going to join her afterward (yes, I was invited even to spend the night). But both logic and being a good friend won over and I just cancelled joining her. 

I really wanted to go but two things held me back - the shortness of the trip in regards to the possible cost, and her really needing to relax. I know what her job has been like for the last year or so. Being in the position she is in with the city or county, her job all of the sudden flipped its script and she became a helper in checking people in for first I believe Covid-tests then vaccines (she'll correct me if I remember wrong). It was a stressful job to say the least and not really anything in her job description. But she did it, she pivoted as long as she was asked to, and she learned something new in order to do her job but also to help people. 

Just recently, her job changed back to what it was and her schedule is a more normal schedule. She is celebrating by taking little mini-trips to rejuvenate herself. She invited me to this one. I really wanted to go - if only visit a little and to help her pay for one night of lodgings (not that she needed it but just that I wanted to). I enjoy spending time with her and its fun to just know I can be myself. We have both similarities and differences, but it works because we listen to the other person and understand. It was a hard decision this morning to text her no - but it was clear that God wants her to have a fully relaxing experience, and for me to stay home. I could technically afford to go but the decision to not go this weekend was clear when I woke up this morning. Fathers Day is Sunday and I'll be traveling then - and I'm planning a driving vacation to see family in Oregon in late July/early August. So financially the about $300 I would spend for one day and one night could help that. As hard as it was since I wanted to spend time with her, I had to say no.

No is a hard word to say and hear for all of us. I've had to learn to say no a lot in my adult life - but its taken me years and many hard experiences to learn that lesson. The hardest no is to say to yourself. It can be any kind of no - from as simple as not eating that extra donut, to saying no to a relationship that destroys you. Its also hard to tell our family no - to also tell them that their decisions are not my decisions so it should not affect me - but we still try to manipulate and convince, and bring others into our decisions unfairly.

Someone I know was blindsided by a family member the other day. The family members decision affects their living and financial position, and this family member has made it harder by saying what my friend decides will affect what they decide. It may seem nice but it isn't. Its putting pressure and stress on someone who is perfectly fine where they are at - its their family member that isn't, but they are putting their fate in my friend's hands. I could scream. My friend is such a gentle person and this has just torn them up. While its good for them to learn this lesson of separating someone else's desires from their own, its a decision being forced quite literally upon them by an outside party.

I don't know what the answer my friend will come up with - but its a good lesson in that sometimes others decisions affect us in negative ways but we don't have to own that. Why do we though? Why do we own someone else's decision? My friend should tell their family member that its their decision and not put it in someone else's hands. But I know its hard because you love that person and want what's best for them but also need to stand up for yourself. It's a very tender balancing act.

On another note, I've finished chapter 1 of James. Literally every sentence can be studied for ages! But it helped to center me in who I am again, what I believe and that I've let too much of the "world" get into me. Too much of ungodly things - though they look good on the outside, they aren't coming from the right place. There is a leading in me to make a big change soon - I don't know what that will be, but its there. In the past, it has also been just something like finishing a big project or change of mindset. But I feel this is bigger - I just don't know what yet. What I do know is that I need to be open to change, and to move on every day I need to learn to make things new again.

A great example of this is something my boss said yesterday, and I'm paraphrasing, "I'm a full-time teacher right now and though that's not what I want its something I'm okay with because I need to be at this time." He looked at me - and I know I'm the same already. I've known it since last June. One staff member tried to come back but they just hadn't learned anything from before - and honestly were even a worse employee than before. Eventually they left (I hope they find what they are looking for). But I became a full-time teacher for both studios, barely a Counselor anymore, and just trying to help students return from something that we all were affected by in some way. With our county, we haven't grown or been able to hire employees to replace the ones we lost yet. I think its getting closer but its not a clear picture yet. So I'm a full-time teacher when I want to be moving forward. Its a good lesson to learn though - and one that is making me really pay attention to what I really want or maybe don't want anymore, and how I'm going to handle the steps getting there or not getting there. 

The first thing is to make everything seem new - and what helped is having three teachers on the floor with unmasked/masked students like before. The energy helped a lot. I'm not out of the woods when it comes to understanding what God wants with my life plans right now - but it truly helped to feel some "normalcy" to what I do and have done for almost 19 out of the last 27 years. I'm learning how to make the old things new again. That's pretty cool.

Anyway, I hope you have a great day and rest of the week. I hope you can make something old new again and it brings joy into your life.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋