Can't shake my inner self, and this weekends festivities

I didn't sleep well last night. I sit here almost ready for work (minus make-up) and I can't stop thinking about something that happened yesterday. Writing is mostly cathartic to me so I think that's why I'm blogging so much this week. I have to get out of my head what's in it so I don't dwell or agonize over it as much as I am, and start to let it go. Here goes.

I think I killed someone's dream yesterday - well, at the very least its on life support. In any service business, an information call or inquiry is the first step to a potential client. We are trained extensively on how to handle and help this type of call. Yesterday, it started well but it ended so badly. With all my training and all my knowledge, I couldn't close it. It shouldn't have been hard to close either. Closing something is not about selling truly. It's about telling someone that the reason why they called is valid and good and its time to take that first step. But we are all scared essentially of anything that is new and different and not something we've ever done before. So....we like to ask a lot of questions and in doing that we paralyze our own self and sabotage ourselves, never doing the thing we really want to do or need to do. I let it happen to this caller, and I knew better. The only thing I had to do is say one very short sentence and it would've (mostly likely) quelled all her questions. Instead, I gave her just enough "too much" information that she paralyzed herself and eventually asked questions not related to anything she was coming in for, and at that point there was nothing else I could do. I feel that I failed her, truly failed her. I let her nervousness get the better of her when I could've stopped it. Now, there are people out there that really are crock pots and need time - I know those well - but she is not one of them. So I failed.

And what's worse is that I failed someone who's boyfriend is taking lessons at the Arthur Murray in Stockton! She just wants to catch up to her boyfriend enough to be able to follow a few basics. I was excited to help her and what a cool thing for her boyfriend! But now she's worried about everything from cost, value, how many instructors we have currently, the hours we are open or not open, etc., that I'm not sure I haven't totally paralyzed her - and in the process proven that I can fail so miserable at a part of the job I've done for almost 19 years now in total. And it's my ACTUAL job description: New Student Director, with the potential to be Future General Manager of two studios, and a future Arthur Murray Franchisee. This is why I couldn't sleep well last night. I had just proved the saying we have in Arthur Murray: don't be a dreamkiller!

Then my inner self rears its ugly head and tries to tell me that I'm going to look even worse to my fellow colleagues who run or work in the Stockton studio if I can't get her to at least come in for our sample lesson. Ha! Wow, that's a fun one to try to derail. I love and know what I do well, but I am not perfect - and though I was an All-Star in 2010 as an admin for Area 4 (we lost in the finals in Las Vegas; and my fear of speaking in public was at an all-time high), I've never seen or really been seen as an All-Star in this business. I'm not the best dancer, teacher, counselor, supervisor, manager, admin - I'm very good but I wouldn't say best in anything. But I love what I do - and though I will not do this forever because I have lots of life goals - I have not finished yet learning here, growing here, and connecting here. Ijust don't hold my breath that someone is going to come up to me ever and say anything that is like the above. They just don't really know me and that is on me. Its my responsibility to build relationships in my own business and I really haven't, not as much as I've needed to - and that's something that I have to change soon.

You know, I have to be real this morning, and though I try to be real every day, so many people may cringe at me being so open to potentially strangers who may read this. But here it is: Everyone that left either before the pandemic for good reasons/bad reasons, or everyone who left because of the pandemic were all All-Stars in something in this business. No joke. The people I worked with were awesome! Yes, there were a few who didn't make it or it wasn't for them but they left early on. The ones that were here for lets say at least 2-3 years, were awesome! I put myself down so much around them - I felt that there was no way I could even approach their aptitude in the things that they were natural at - and those were things that this business wants, needs you to have. So I continued to cheer and support the all-stars around me because I didn't think I could be. And if I couldn't be, then the very least I could do was be genuinely happy for their successes. But there were times that jealousy creeped in, and disappointment, and I was so ashamed of that.

Okay, so here's the good part of this whole post: I am proud of who I am and the challenges I face and how much that my failures now don't keep me down. I care a lot about things, and people. So that I couldn't help this lady (though I'm going to call her today if she hasn't confirmed for tonight yet) bothered me because I care. Its not a put down to myself. I feel bad, and that's okay. I'm still going to learn to be better for the next call, the next person who needs what we can give them. Its who I am to care and its not a bad thing.

I do see myself as an All-Star. Why? Because I stayed. No offense to anyone who isn't my coworker anymore but I stayed. I told everyone who asked what my goals were and what I wanted, and I'm following through on it. Yes, I want to be a writer. Yes, I still want to travel the world - for fun. Yes, I'm having a mini mid-life crisis now. Yes, I want to have a nice home on the beach and be able to give to charities, through my own charity! Yes, I want to help people because I have the means to. Yes, I don't want to have to work so I can do all the above! I don't need a million dollar studio, or even a $300,000 studio to do that. Its easier if you have a million dollar studio and do all those things - but its not necessary. Though I know we aren't all meant to be a dance teacher, dance coach, dance studio manager/owner forever, I know that honestly some left because they weren't strong enough like me to work through their failures, successes, egos, and be okay being a mess for awhile. But I pivoted and stayed true to all the things I said. I'm proud of that. I didn't give up. I am supported by three people who believe in me and don't have to. I'm reminded when I need to be that my bosses think I'm great and appreciate me. They should know by now how much I adore them, even when I'm not sure of something or a new training. But I'm here to learn, grow, get better, help better and be a better leader and overall person.

I am also very opposite in lots of ways of my bosses, and my administrative assistant - but it works. Its the team we have now, and its a team we'll grow from. 

And all these words I've written are true, honest, open, good, bad, real. There is no intention of hurt or animosity to anyone. However, there are times that I realize that though I may not be an All-Star by some certain standards, I'm an All-Star in life, in loyalty, in responsibility, in helping people when I'm able or equipped to, and that's so much more than the higher ups in Arthur Murray knowing my name. It would be nice, but not necessary. So that inspires me today to get up, get a big cup of coffee, throw off the insecurity of what happened yesterday, and see today as a new day to do things better than yesterday.

I hope that this helps you - somehow - encourage you in the failures that you have. Its taken years but my parents, family, friends, and most recently my current co-workers have all had a hand in building me to be a better person, and more confident.

I obviously still have my moments but I don't dwell in them. I let them go, let them out, and even open myself so much that I blog about it and put it in Internetland - completely and utterly vulnerable. My only hope is that one person is helped because of my words.

Speaking of friends and things that uplift and encourage me, this weekend I'm taking a day trip to the beach. I'm headed to Carmel on Sunday. I have reservations at a winery I just joined a few months ago, and then I'm picnicing on the beach and just hoping to enjoy the weather and a peaceful day away. The day before that I'm going to church with a friend and a bible study of people more my age so I'm hoping to meet some new friends. And I'm having a friend over for dinner Monday (my landlords are away but approved it; so I finally get to repay the 8 she's shown me having me over so many times). So I may not have everything I mentioned in a few paragraphs above here - but I have versions of it in my life now. And I'm so thankful and appreciative for the blessings. 

And if you find yourself visiting Carmel, CA, and are a wine taster - let me know and I can hook you up at Caraccioli Cellars. I'll be there at 1:15 p.m. this Saturday so if you're in the area, don't hesitate to call or hit me up on facebook - I can have up to 3 people with me.

Have an awesome day today! I'm not going to be a dream killer today!

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋