A few thoughts and Covid-19

This past long weekend gave me pause to think. I want to share that and also it will help get me out of my head before beginning work this week. I hope. 

First, counseling is such a good thing - for everyone. No matter who you are there is or has been something in your life that you needed more help with than a friend and family member can or could give you. Sometimes its just a listening ear you need to throw thoughts or feelings/emotions off of - no opinions, no advice, no suggestions. Just someone to listen, and help you listen to yourself. I spoke or texted with two people this weekend that reminded me of my counseling and how internally I've come a long way in my internal issues - and also how certain people in my life have helped me to go further in my public life. Those times I was in counseling were times that I couldn't go to the people around me because it either had something to do with them, would hurt them without meaning to, or I knew just couldn't help with what I needed. It wasn't easy but as cheesy as it sounds it was worth it.

Its hard today - and has been for the last few weeks - to respond in a kind way to someone I know in a treatment center right now. They want to have some connection to me, but I've had to be very vague and surface with our connections. I know that we need to talk about some things, but what I need to say to her is not as important as what she is dealing with right now. And even knowing that most of the bad things that happened were due to her anxiety issues, I also know that my feelings of being used and a target to shift whatever she didn't like on me are also valid. But in this time of her being in a place that caters to mental health issues and addictions, I know I can't hold a conversation with her that has the potential to go there. She needs to heal without the addition of my thoughts on her.

It would seem that I should be over these things - and for the most part, I am which is why I can talk to her about it without emotion now. But it took over a year. The problem is that I don't trust her anymore. I don't even trust that she is there for the right reasons. I'm praying she is; I'm praying that my inner belief that she's there for someone to "fix her" and to not have to deal with "the hard stuff" is not why she is there. I hope she saw that she was losing good people around her due to her behaviors and anxieties she projected on the people trying to help her, and is getting help with what she revealed to me privately are her issues - at least some of them. They are very serious and deep pains stemming over years. I truly hope that this is why she is at a place where she has to stay for three months or that's what I gathered from a text she sent. 

But it was a year ago that she lost my trust. As a way to help her through the pandemic, I tried one more time to let everything go and just help her. It sunk the ship. I did my best for those 45 minutes to give her what she needed but it was literally the last straw - and though some would say good riddance, I felt guilty. It took anger and a lot of hurt to get to the place that I lost trust in her but I also felt guilt that I just couldn't be her friend or even tell her I couldn't. I distanced myself as best as I could. Over the last year or so, I've been working on my negative emotions and feelings. I have forgiven her and myself for some of it - but I still have a need for her to know that she really did hurt me and its not okay.

At the end of the day though, remembering my counseling, that is not a good thing right now for her. If she is to heal, she needs to do it without any more put on her. And I need to let go of the thought that I need to say anything - because I also know that I'm okay if we don't have a friendship in the future, if it means that she can move forward with a healed life. I know that sometimes you have to let go of people, even if you don't want to, to better yourself and them. We aren't all meant to be close friends, our inner circle is not everyone we know - and that's a big lesson I've had to learn over the years.

This weekend I also dealt with the unknown of how I'd respond to my second Covid-19 vaccination. After several months of prayer and research and listening to my doctor, I decided towards the end of last month to take it. Before anyone gets on me about this, regardless of their effectiveness, I know that these vaccines were rushed. It is an unprecedented time but I will never force anyone into a decision to put something not natural and foreign into their bodies unless they decide to - so know that anyone's praise for or arguments against it will go on deaf ears. I made this decision through very, very serious prayer and research - I did it mostly because I want to give the people around me comfort, and travel out of the country soon. I also did it because God told me I'd be okay. It was my decision; and it may not be yours. I, for one, am okay with that. No judgment from me.

I was, though, anxious on what my side effects would be. I knew I'd be okay but that it was a good idea to still take off work Friday. After attempts to change my time and day to a weekend were futile, I took Friday off. I got a very bad headache that the tylenol prescribed didn't do much against, and the next day my body was jello with a very low grade fever. But that was it. By Sunday, I was 100% fine. I'm certain that the extra day was warranted because that headache kept me bedridden most of the day. There wasn't a way that I could teach students, and their attention not be on me. So, I got over that uncertainty quickly. 

But the quiet house (my landlords/roommates left Saturday morning for a month trip across the country with their dog) helped to calm me and also opened up these thoughts. I'm happy but I'm also in a transitional place. There are days I want to go to work and just can't wait - and there are days that I am not in the mindset and no amount of yoga, prayer, meditation is going to get me there. Today is one of those days. But I'm about to jump in the shower because and go to work because I can't take another day off - this time to just let my brain rest - because there is no one to replace me. There is no staff. So I have to go into work. And that is what all my parents taught me - go to work and work hard. So though I love my job, today is a day that I don't want to work. And that's okay. It's okay to feel that way. But I also know that when I get to work, it will fix some things. My job has a way of doing that. So I'm encouraged that by the time I open up my work laptop to take care of the scheduling changes I already know about and go over lesson plans for the week, I know I'll have some sort of motivation. I also know that in the future, when I have a day like this, I'll be able to take it off. Not today. Today I need to go to work, keep rebuilding what was lost for our two studios, keep supporting our administrative assistant and my two franchisees, keep being a safe place for our students to learn the benefits of dancing but also to just be a safe space in their lives, period. That's really what I do, and why I do what I do.

Anyway, I had a lot on my mind - and like any of it or not, I felt I needed to share it. Maybe it will help someone with their day today. Maybe it will inspire them to seek counseling if they need it and not another avenue that will continue their spiraling downward. Maybe someone gets a little insight into me that they didn't have before and wanted or needed. There's a lot of maybes - my only true one is that maybe this blog post will help 1 person only. That's all worth it to me.

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋