Sleep is a thief and happiness

I WAS tired 😫 but sleep decides to steal away and my constant back if my throat allergies continue to make me cough when lying down. So sleep will come but not now. In the meantime, I saw a post and wanted to comment on it. It said, and I'm paraphrasing, "Don't look for someone to make you happy...you have that ability yourself. Find someone to ADD to your happiness."

So, so true! I have met so many in bad relationships or looking for "the one" for the wrong reasons - and the biggest bad reason is that they'll be "happy" or what they are "missing" in life.  Its a lie! Not one person can make you happy for every day of your life - that job is your choice, the choices you make. No one can make you feel good or bad unless you let them. You. 

I haven't had a serious romantic relationship for about 10 years, so maybe you'll take what I say with a grain of salt but here is why I know that post is true - after I set up my personal reasons first. First let me say that this fact is my choice in 2 ways: 1) I decided to put myself in a better position financially so as not to bring that burden into my next relationship, and 2) that I'd stop going out with men that did not have the base values AND interests I did. 

Let's take the first of these. I didn't say no to every date option, I just didn't seek it out or look at every guy I met as a potential interest as I focused on my financial health. What I did know is that a lot of my issues were due to emotional reasons, which included my debt to income ratio. So I had to take steps to change my bad emotional habits which would help a lot of areas in my life, but especially my financial health. It took 2 tries over 12 years but I have accomplished the first big hurdle, finally! I still have work to do but I'm out of the woods as they might say. 

Second, I know I haven't had a lot of opposite sex relationship (though its always been easy for me to have male friends, just not a lot of romantic attractions to most of them) so I know many might see me as nieve in this area. I challenge them that I am not - because I HAVE HAD many types of relationships including romantic and they all have 1 thing in common - how each person chooses to be in that relationship and it isn't 50/50, it has to be 100/100. I have not met one man that had the same or similar desire in a relationship with ME specifically. And let me tell you the one thing I don't share is my dating life and I've had some doozies with men who said all the right things but did none of them. However, I'm not giving up. If anything, even at 44, I believe I'll meet someone at the right time. But I won't force it. I'm even more open to being set up, as long as the person setting me up knows me and them, and isn't trying to put me in a relationship just because they think I'm missing that in my life. No, it has to be because there might be a good match there period.

Because at the end of the day, my life is my life because of the choices I've made - not because of someone else. No blame games here. I CANNOT BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE DECISIONS I MAKE, PERIOD. I always have a choice - it may not be ideal but its STILL MY CHOICE. 

So many people hurt us - sometimes so, so deeply that we feel numb. But whether they apologize or not, until we can let go of that hurt and FORGIVE them, we are CHOOSING to stay in that space. I'm not saying it isn't right, or hard, or wrong. Its ALL of those. But, if you believe what I do that we have a savior that died for the most heinous of us and has FORGIVEN US UNCONDITIONALLY and has asked us to DO THE SAME, then I need to let it all go...the pain, the hurt, the depression, the anger. It may take some time but it has to be done. Otherwise, those who choose to stay in that negativity will never feel joy, happiness. It may seem like it but that seed is buried. And the more it stays buried the worse its going to be later.

So, no someone can't make me the kinda happy that lasts a lifetime. Only I can do that - and with the people who have hurt us we can set boundaries but we have to forgive them and let go. In fact, it may just be the thing they need in order to start healing so we can BOTH HEAL the hurt and wrongs and build a better relationship. 

So though I've not always made the right choices, I have to take responsibility for them. I have to practice everything I said daily and understand that I'm going to fail miserably someday- but its how I recover and am intentional about taking responsibility for my choices. 

And my choice in March was to take the first step in truly opening myself back up to a romantic relationship by putting myself out there on an online dating app. But it was only the first step. I have to make sure I'm available when a possible option comes around, knowing that they won't make me "happy" but can "enhance" my happiness.