Who I am...

 So I think I've told the people closest to me the following: I'm dating again. Technically, I started back in March when I spent just under $400 for a year with eharmony. I figured since I had nothing better to do, could see that I would pay off my debts by the end of quarantine (a 3.5 year feat), and was in a good place mentally and emotionally, that it was time to enter back into the dating arena - which those who know me know I kinda hate. Yes, I'd like a man to hold me when I go to sleep at night, and to usher with me into our twilight years, and kids to wake me up at the wrong hours of the night - but its so much more for me than that. But to understand that I have to reveal a bit that will make me very vulnerable (but if you read my eharmony page or any of these blogs, you'll already know that) so here goes...

I am a bad dater. Its not that I'm awkward or not confident, but I don't always know how to have a conversation unless its "conversational" - and with men, I always feel most comfortable talking about sports and I assume they do too. But when I'm out with one who doesn't like them I'm almost immediately at a loss on how to connect. I know, right? I'm a girl! Well, I can admit that I've gotten better at this than before but its still there. And I can't rely on being flirtatious cause I'm even worse at that. I crack jokes instead about myself, knowing full well that men prefer women who believe in themselves.

Yes, I do believe in myself. I have had plenty of chances to quit everything I'm doing and live a life that involves a desk job, living in a small town, or just dating anybody who is interested. But that isn't me. I am an out of the box person. I'm also an in the box person. I am super creative; but I also struggle with following through. So when I'm dating its so easy for me to quit before I'm ahead - or to let the other person dictate the relationship. And since moving to back to California 8 years ago, I've had dates but no "dating." Now, I don't regret not going out with the men I did only once, twice, three or four times (no five daters yet), but I can be more open to dating in general. 

I closed myself off from dating for a big reason - I was not in a place to date someone, pursue a career and get out of my financial mistakes while living in the high-cost-of-living bay area. Something had to give - and it was way easy for dating to go bye bye. 

But I also don't regret it. I have "fixed" some things in myself - not just financially - but in who gets my heart and in knowing who doesn't. God has truly opened me up to who He made me to be and to love myself inside and out. Mostly though, to know that if no man ever finds me his future that I am truly Gods precious jewel and that is enough. The love that I feel from God just passes all others. Even on my most dreary days (which are fewer and fewer and fewer between), I feel him so much that I cry from joy instead of fear/pain/rejection. I know He is always with me no matter what.

So I've become very comfortable on my own. I'm confident in who I am - I know what I'm passionate about (which I was reminded of recently) - I also know that I'm not done growing and getting better and being passionate about other things. 

And this is why now dating is hard for me. I'm okay on my own. If I meet someone now, they have to be patient with me as I have to learn to share my time - that has become so precious to me - with someone else. I also fully believe that with the right person it will be easy to do that. So I'm also not worried.

A few people I've met over my life just don't understand this. They think having a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife is going to complete them. They also can't be alone with themselves, and also can't accept that other people have lives that don't parallel their own. They are dependent on people all the time and never learn to be ok being alone at times. Guess what? I WAS ONE OF THEM! I was so connected to the people around me - whether they were to me or not - that I would inexplicably cry when they left after a party, movie night, bbq, lunch, dinner, coffee, you name it. Like my soul hurt. My heart hurt. I needed that connection so badly that it started to define me. I defined myself by who I was to EVERYONE in my life - even the acquaintances! And it was no one's fault but mine.

It was so unhealthy. And I didn't see it. Maybe there was someone in my life that tried to tell me but I was not in the state to hear it. It was only when my true Soul Lover told me that I was going to be moving back to California that understanding this was going to be able to be a possibility - because He knew that I needed to learn some things that I couldn't where I was. IT WAS SO HARD. So hard. It took 3 years. This process all started 11 years ago for me - I was 33 years old. I remember it so clearly, too. 

You know, I always thought that I'd be married by 27 and have 3 kids by 35. That was my thoughts, desires, plans, whatever you want to call it. I'm almost 44.5 years old (Sept. 20 is my 1/2 birthday). None of that has come close to happening. And yet I'm still positive about it - for the most part. I'm open to whoever God has planned for me - but I also have preferences, too. So dating now feels so weird and difficult. I want to have kids but I don't even know if I'll be able to as I'm closing in on menopause years. I don't know if I want to be a stepmom, but I don't want to sabotage the possibility of the perfect family for me being one that already exists and needs me to complete it. But you know what I've gotten so far? Here's a little list: "I like your face so much - I want to go out on a date with you but I think you're too conservative for me but still..." - bye bye (didn't even chat with him); "I keep thinking about you and your profile, but not sure I'm ready for you yet," - well, you live in Maryland and I'm pretty sure I set my settings for CA only so bye bye (why even write to me); then this one which I was chatting with but I had to go do something, told him that, and was gone for about 10 minutes - all of a sudden he responds "you haven't responded yet, you must be talking to someone and not interested in me so I'm going to stop now. bye" and then he literally deleted me so I couldn't explain that I had to go to the bathroom! Insecure maybe? I wasn't even attracted to him but decided to give him a chance - bye bye. And I've had three zoom dates as well. Nothing promising yet. One I thought would be but I think its done, too.

I'm encouraged though - my face to faces have been better than the last real dates I've been on (before Covid, of course). That has been promising. Also, eharmony has said that I have a good profile. So there's that. I have until March next year to meet someone on eharmony. Until then, I'm still working on my person and my goals - my career has pivoted to learning a whole new way to connect with people through teaching them how to dance, I'm officially-officially-officially debt free so I'm able to save (emergency fund, savings, retirement) without stress, and I'm in a place that gives me options to enjoy my favorite things (beach, Levis stadium, Great America, Napa, family is close by). So right now, I'm pretty content.

There is room for another person though - a person who sees me like the jewel God does. One who wants to go through the ups and downs of a relationship with me, and who is attracted to me no matter if I'm 120 lbs or 170 lbs., but sees my outward beauty more because my inner beauty shines through. And that's the kind of man that I want to be attracted to - all those things above I see in him. But I know I haven't met him yet. Maybe he hasn't joined eharmony yet; or maybe he hasn't gone to my grocery store yet or me his; or maybe we haven't gone into the same winery at the same time yet, or the same line somewhere, or cross the street with each other. I have no idea; only God knows.

But I am open now, more than I ever have been, to meeting him. And though I may have said something like this earlier in my life, I haven't meant it more than I do in this moment, typing this right now. 

On a lighter, silly note: I hope God brings him to me and he is one that also loves the Niners, Hoosiers, Lakers, Giants, likes the beach, and going wine tasting. Though I can cook, he needs to be able to cook a bit, too - all the men in my family do so he needs to fit in. Baking would be a good substitute though. Ha ha! 

So I hope that my vulnerability in dating was okay for you. I write these blogs partly to get out my inner thoughts - but partly to inspire, encourage, bring hope, a laugh to your life on the silly things I write or think about, or just a "yep, I've done that - you are not alone" camaraderie.

If you don't have a significant other - be encouraged that its probably just not the right time. Maybe like me, they need time to develop to be ready for you or maybe you need to do that for them.

If you do have a significant other - appreciate who they are uniquely and show them in ways that they need and you need how much you love them. Don't let a day go by. Too many days go by and, well, that's how break ups and divorces start. 

And for both of you - the single and the couple - there is always a friend or family member who can benefit from sharing your heart. Help someone feel loved today. That's my encouragement and hope for you - and for me - tonight and into tomorrow.

(P.S. Listen to the song Never Alone by Tori Kelly featuring Kirk Franklin. One of my absolute favorites, and many can really connect with the simple words)

Lots of love,

Tiffany 💋