Our healthy and unhealthy habits

I just returned from a 1 hour and 15 minute walk around the neighborhood. I'll admit that I've been very much a lazy butt in exercising. I had done so well in the first 6 weeks of this and then once a few things related to my personal life blew up and I started back part time to work again, that went by the wayside. I blew up my best laid plans. 

This week, though, I recommitted - as always, I'm sure I'll take a few steps back and have to recommit again - but I'll recommit until its a habit. That's what we do. We mess up; we fail; we falter; but then we get up and keep getting up until we succeed. However, some of us choose to stay in our state. We like being a victim; we like the attention we get; we crave it; we don't want to lose that acknowledgement. Maybe its because we don't get what we "need" on a daily basis; maybe its because of how our personality works; maybe its because we've had a trauma and its how we've learned to cope; maybe its because we've never learned how to take responsibility for our actions. Whatever it is, we fall sometimes; but it is truly how or if we get up that matters.

So, I took a long walk today and started my Strava to measure it (I started it late but I know after testing it for a month how long that missing piece is). I've taken a good step forward - something that I wish everyone could do right now. I can't change the world on my own; but I can do what I can to love and make my corner of the world better in what ways God has gifted me. 

I know that one of those ways is writing my thoughts down. I'm really best at that. I've learned to communicate and deal with conflict better. I'm not great at conflict but I can manage it now. I can take a second no matter how angry I am and think through an emotion. Yes, I still get hot-headed at times - but I've learned to release it. I've got a lot to work on in my facial expressions though - that I know needs a lot of work - but my expressions keep me honest and I'm thankful for that. 

Though I have not exprienced personal "blow ups" during this Covid-19 quarantine - I've had the chance to work on myself internally. I have indeed been presented with information on myself that I've needed to look at. When you go from 2 1/2 years of management/leadership - an admittedly rocky relationship with it too - to having to literally start over and help your bosses rebuild, it gives you time to decompress, destress, and deconstruct what is important and what isn't in life. Yes, I even purged my room again of things I don't use anymore or need. I got rid of non-working things and replaced them with things better suited to my life now or omitted them altogether.  

And I chose to take some time to work on myself. During this, even my friendship was questioned. But after lots of study and previous experiences, I realized that those questions were coming from somewhere that is not based in reality. In a previous time, I'd beat myself up for not changing my entire life to help someone. Yes, I would do that. I would get up at 3 a.m. and rush to a friends aid. But years of that literally broke me. It's good to be there for friends and family, especially in emergency situations. But to have your identity wrapped up in someone else's happiness? That's a mental issue and not of a good kind. We need to have limits and boundaries even with the ones we love most in our life - otherwise we can enable them to stay in behaviors that are unhealthy for them. Sometimes we call it "tough love" - but it's really not tough. It's what love is defined by - because if I didn't love you I'd never say anything about a behavior that is making my family member, friend or other loved one stay in a bad emotion, situation, or head space. And if I didn't care, I'd let that person stay miserable.

At the end of the day though, it is our individual choice to stay where we're at or to move forward. It's hard. I worked on a lot of my issues quietly. I saw counselors quietly - only my church family (the ones I worked with or my pastors that I confided in) knew a lot of the issues I dealt with emotionally. I didn't want my family or even some of my close friends to know that I was struggling or to burden them with my struggles. I can't regret that decision now - at the time it was the one that I thought was right - but I know now that I can and would talk to a family member or friend about an issue I'm having. I still think though and know some issues need to be entrusted to a professional. There are just some things that your family or friends can't help you with; and that's why there are therapists who can be objective parties and help you see past your own nose and how you can fix a behavior, mindset or even physical ailment that you just can't or won't see or accept.

At the end of the day and at the end of your life, there is no blame to go around. I say that in reflection of my choice statement from earlier. We have emotions/feelings for good reasons - but it is my choice to feel that way. If I don't choose to get out of my situation when I have the ability to then that is on me. I am to blame. I always have a choice to go in a different direction - no matter the situation. It is in my free will and ability as a human being to make a choice. No one can take it away - even in the most dire of situations. It's so true that no one can make you feel bad unless you let them. And sometimes the feelings we have give us the confidence to do something about an injustice, to take action when before we'd be passive. Sometimes even our friends or family can kick our butts into changing a habit - because they care and love us and want us to be the best version of ourselves. But some of us are so hurt that we lash out at the people that have been there for us the most - and we end up burning all of our bridges that helped us until we start to see that we've always had the choice to change our state. Because at the end of the day, no one can help me unless I want to be helped or I want to move forward. 

I'm in charge of me. And I think a lot of people right now need to hear that. They need to know they are in charge of themselves and are capable of turning things around in their life, helping our society make so many needed changes, or even to change one life around them that will affect another one then another then another. But first I can choose to be a better me. And so many right now are choosing to be the worst version of themselves. And until they can take control - whether with help from a 3rd party trained to help or from friends/family - nothing will change and they'll stay in their negative state. And that's what breaks my heart the most because I've been there. I know what if feels like - but even sometimes sharing my experiences doesn't help them - because its still their choice to move forward and I can't force them to do anything.

So this is long today because I've kept silent until it was clear that I was supposed to share my inner thoughts in the open and on social media (still taking a break from FB/IG; other than to keep in touch with my parents trek across the country and my grandmothers posts, and also I left notifications on for messenger. So if I've missed a birthday or life-defining moment posted on facebook and instagram for you, I'm sincerely sorry. I'll come back at some point but I've needed to step away from what was becoming very hurtful and not progressive posts, and it didn't feel right to keep snoozing or hiding posts. I'm choosing to do what I can in my corner of the world to educate myself and make things better around me - and FB & IG was bringing me back into a depressive state that would've paralyzed me from doing anything productive).

On a lighter note, I will share another excerpt of my current writing project probably sometime later this afternoon or tonight. I hope you will enjoy another peek into the characters I'm creating and the fictional story I want to tell. But I'm open to constructive criticism, too. 

Lots of love to you (all of you),

Tiffany